Good to Know I’m Not the Only One

(Originally written on May 16, 2009)

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Remember the post detailing the time I ran into X at one of my friend’s band’s shows?  Well that friend is Mario and I know him from high school.  He has told me that I was the first girl at our high school that was ever nice to him (he transferred in the 10^th grade from a Christian school; we ate lunch together, Spring semester of that year, I believe).  Anyways, he started dating Hippo around the same time X and I started dating.  And I’m not calling her Hippo because she’s fat!  I mean, she is a little on the bigger side, but that’s beside the point – she used to be obsessed with drawing hippopotamuses in high school.  I don’t know, she may still be; I never knew her beyond an acquaintance (and still don’t).

Well, Mario and Hippo just broke up this past September and tonight Mario and I discussed it over dinner at Los Compadres.  He explained to me that what’s helped him the most has been living for himself and not for pleasing someone else (both Flower-Child and Scarlet have tried sharing that same concept with me before…I guess it’s different when you hear it coming from someone currently going through it).  What hit me the hardest was when he told me,

I realized I was happy by making her happy.  Then I stepped back and saw how shitty she was treating me.  I was living as she wanted me to, I wasn’t myself.

And they were together for five years…  How can I let Gaston do the exact same thing to me and yet we weren’t/aren’t even “dating”?

WTF is wrong with me?

(Originally written on May 14, 2009)

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At one point this past Sunday (which was Mother’s Day, by the way), Martyr brought up the touchy topic of Gaston and me. Here’s how the conversation went:

I can tell he really likes you, Elliott.

Really?  What makes you say that?

I saw the way he was looking at you the other night [the Friday before graduation, at Polly’s after the MMR dinner].  I could just tell.

She further proceeded to reinforce this notion.  It really made me happy at first – I mean, Martyr often can be full of shit and extra emotional when it comes to amorous love/dating/relationship stuff, especially after the whole ordeal between her and Beast.  It’s just hard to decipher whether it’s true that Gaston actually can’t help but subconsciously emote his feelings toward me without realizing it, or if she just romanticized it within the walls of her own mind.

•     •     •     •     •

I think that Yuengling personally has it out for me – I’m not sure why he would, but it’s becoming harder and harder to overlook and dismiss my suspicions.  First off, when he kissed me and I told him it wasn’t okay, he went and told Gaston about it a week later (apparently because he felt he needed to “come clean” to his friend), portrayed it as a mutual-attraction occurrence, and didn’t tell me about his having done that (Gaston told me about it during the blog confrontation).  I never mentioned it to Gaston because I felt it was an irrelevant mistake on Yuengling’s part and I saw it as water under the bridge.  So Yuengling’s portrayal to Gaston that the kiss was mutual made me look as though I was trying to hide it from Gaston or something.  Anyways, moving on…  Then, whenever anything goes wrong between Gaston and me, he is the first to tell me that it’s over (he actually makes it a point to immediately say it) – even going so far as to say that Gaston asserted that “fact” himself.  Then, he told “only Slim” at Polly’s about my blog (Leto told me that she found out about it from Yuengling too), but once he realized that I knew, he sent me the e-mail blaming me for it!  Not just that, but he and Leto propagated the charades by lying to me, telling me that Gaston didn’t know about it, when in actuality they were both present for several occasions at Polly’s when everyone had been giving him a hard time about it (for who knows how long).

I can’t figure out what I could have possibly done to cause his repeated betrayal to me like this.

Anyways, this leads right in to what happened last night:

Yuengling, Leto, Gaston, and I went to a bluegrass show.  Afterwards, we decided to go to Polly’s (what a surprise), which is on the completely opposite side of downtown.  Once we were about four blocks away from the venue, I realized that I may have left my camera there, so I stopped dead in my tracks and began to dig through my massive cluttered purse to look for it, just to be sure.  The three of them all continued walking for a block before even noticing that I wasn’t still with them.  Upon this realization, they briefly paused and yelled back at me to see why I had stopped.  As soon as I told them that I thought I left my camera, they all then continued walking in the opposite direction toward Polly’s, leaving me alone to fend for myself in a sketchy part of town.

I had walked nearly a block when an SUV abruptly pulled up next to where I was on the sidewalk and a guy hopped out and came after me, hitting me in the face in the process.  Somehow – and I have absolutely no idea how – I managed to get away, running the rest of the way to the bluegrass venue.  Incredibly, the other guy stayed in the car the whole time and they didn’t try to come back for me.

When I got there, sure enough, my camera was still on top of the table where we had been sitting.  Up to this point, I had been able to fend off tears, even though I was overwhelmingly distraught – I was quivering with adrenaline and shock.  However, once I got my camera, I uncontrollably burst into teary waterworks.  I called Gaston in attempt to tell him what had happened and seek his comfort, but he didn’t answer his phone.  I called him again and when he didn’t answer, I left a voicemail.  About five minutes later, he called me back, not having listened to my message.  Of course, he asked me why I was crying.  I didn’t feel like repeating the story; I didn’t want to think about it (even though I couldn’t help but do so).  He became angry and hung up on me once I asked him to listen to his voicemail.  What a bastard!  He had no idea what I had just gone through!  And made it obvious that he wasn’t interested in finding out by refusing to simply listen to my message.

I continued to walk to Polly’s by myself, balling my eyes out the entire way.  Once I got there, I saw that my wonderful trio of friends was yukking it up at the back of the bar.  On my way to the bathroom to try to clean myself up a bit and grab some tissues, I passed them without saying a word – or even looking at them.  I then walked back past them in the same manner, sat down at a table at the front of the bar with my back to them, and ordered a double bourbon.

Less than 10 minutes later, Gaston comes up to me to inform me that they have decided on “a change of scenery” and to invite me to go along with them.  Still crying, I shake my head no.  Then,

What’s wrong?

Have you listened to the message I left you?

Yea.

That’s what’s wrong.

Well we’re leaving, so are you still gonna sit here and be angry?  Or are you gonna come with us?

What do you fucking think?  After what had just happened – someone tried to fucking abduct me!  What does he think?  That I was asking for that, I was looking for that?

I think I replied with something along the lines of, “Go ahead, leave me,” and then he got angry at me and stormed out of the bar to where Yuengling and Leto were waiting for him.

Who is he to place the blame on me – like I have no right to be angry with him for just leaving me to walk along by myself through a sketchy part of town to get my camera when he’s gotten mad at me for every time I’ve walked home?  That cannot be placed on me.  That is him.  I have to remember that it’s HIM.  He didn’t care enough to walk with me this one time (which goes to show all those times he got upset with me were just bullshit and he didn’t REALLY care) and after realizing what resulted from that, he didn’t care enough to apologize or even TRY to be there for me.  I HAVE to remember that.

On top of all of this, Yuengling had driven the four of us downtown and he – probably even more so than Gaston – is (usually) overprotective and gets upset with me whenever I walk home by myself.  So after I finished my double bourbon, I texted him saying that I was ready to go home and asked him when he was planning on leaving downtown.  Even after I explained to him what had happened (via text), he still just nonchalantly told me to find another way home.

Other than Gaston and company, I have very few friends left in town.  After graduation, everyone either moved back home to be with family or got jobs and relocated for that purpose.  I called Ursula to see if she could pick me up and she actually answered her phone for once.  However, she was downtown drinking, herself.  So that was a no-go.  Thankfully, I was able to get in touch with Flower-Child and she picked me up and drove me home, all the while consoling me about the whole evening’s turn of events.  She was my saving grace.

•     •     •     •     •

Even though I knew that I should just let it be, I approached Gaston in his apartment this afternoon to confront him about last night’s events.  Basically, he claimed that he couldn’t be held at fault because he “can’t read my mind to know what I want”.  To me, it’s not about that, but about honestly caring for a friend and wanting to be there for them when they need you (which I obviously did last night)…

At any rate, we then got onto the topic of our “relationship” or whatever it is that you want to call it.

I don’t understand how, if you really feel so strongly about me, you aren’t willing to work through this.

How can we work through this?  What is there to work on?  You put my life up on the internet and everyone’s read it.

Why can’t we be whatever we were and then if you decide you don’t want it, just end it then?

Because everything’s changed!

Then why are you having such a hard time making your decision?  That’s a sign.

I’M JUST NOT SURE YOU’RE WORTH MY TIME!

Wow…  Just not sure if I’m worth his time…  Who does he think he is? That statement made me furious and put me on the defensive.  This time, my tears were a mix of desolation combined with anger,

Then why have you been misleading me, giving me false hope?  What was going through your mind when you slept with me last week?!  What about the other night when we were watching Spinal Tap?!  The cuddling and the holding hands and the kissing – that was all you!

I can’t help that I’m human and I have weak moments.  I realized at the time that it was a mistake and that I probably shouldn’t have been doing it, but I did.

All I can say right now is:  wow, how can I have been so foolish and let this bastard get so deep under my skin and put me through such anguish?

Normal Everyday Life

(Originally written on April 4, 2009)

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The past few days have been pretty uneventful.  Yesterday I went to Polly’s for lunch with Martyr and, as usual, Yuengling was there.  After we ate, I decided to just hang out and I spent the rest of my day there looking for jobs (online).  I had Yuengling bring me home around 8:30pm or so.

“Why so early?”  You may ask.  The night before, Ursula, Flower-Child, and I went to Los Compadres and Teddy was spoiling me with Patron margaritas.  I pre-gamed before dinner with three beers over the course of probably two hours.  We were probably only at Los Compadres for three hours or so – during which I had three potent margaritas and a shot of tequila.  Needless to say, I got wasted.

So, I really didn’t feel like going out hardcore last night.

Once I got back, I remembered that Belle, another one of my neighbors, was going to just be chilling at the apartment.  Once I got back, I dropped off my stuff (purse, laptop, etc.), grabbed a glass of wine, and went downstairs to join her.  We sat on her front stoop for a bit while her ex-boyfriend smoked a cigar – which smelled fantastic, by the way.

They have a really weird relationship – which isn’t really even a relationship.  It’s odd.  They aren’t together, but they still do a lot of dating-like activities.  Belle tried to explain it to me a little bit last night when he stepped out for a phone call:  basically, she’s just not opposed to dating other people.  Yet, I don’t think she has dated anyone or even tried.  Oh well, whatever!

Anyways, I ended up chilling with them until midnight or so after we watched The Departed.

•     •     •     •     •

Ooh!  I completely forgot to mention it, but after the seminar last Monday, Scarlet and I were walking back to his car when there was this girl in front of us wearing a ridiculously short dress.  We both commented on it, of course – we can’t help ourselves sometimes.  Then I realized that it was Slutty McSlutterson!  I turned to him and blurted out, “Wait, is that Slutty McSlutterson?”  Yes – I actually referred to her by her code name, out loud, in public, right behind her…

Then, as we began to cross the street (she continued straight and we turned the corner), I called out “Slutty McSlutterson?”  (I actually used her real name that time).  She turned, still walking, and just said, “Oh, hi.  It’s nice to see you out!”  I’m not sure if she heard my earlier comment(s) (the s because she may have also heard us talking about how short her dress was), Scarlet insists that she didn’t, or if she was just in a rush, but it seemed as though she couldn’t get away fast enough.

•     •     •     •     •

I haven’t spoken a word to Gaston since Wednesday night.  It’s kinda different because he’s in Miami right now visiting Tomboy, his best friend.  He’s accompanying her to her law school prom or whatever.  So I still have absolutely no idea where that whole situation stands.

When It Rains, It Pours

(Originally written on March 24, 2009)

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The past few days have been a bit, well, out-of-whack for me.  In a bad way.

Usually, I play trivia on Sunday nights with Gaston, Napoleon, Rowdy, and crew.  This Sunday, though, I skipped it because I was studying for the two tests I was supposed to have had yesterday.  Yesterday morning, I woke up around 4:50am in order to get some (okay, maybe a lot) last minute cramming in.  Scarlet picked me up because Flower-Child, the scatter-brained classmate that normally takes me to class, called to tell me she couldn’t take me – but it was okay because I got that all worked out.  After parking and grabbing a campus paper (I strictly pick one up every day for the puzzles:  one crossword and one Sudoku), a woman from the Marketing Department stopped us to let us know that the professor was having heart issues and that our tests were postponed until Wednesday (tomorrow).  We were in disbelief.  Don’t get me wrong, I hope the prof is doing well health-wise, but that wasn’t exactly the best way to start off the week.

I was cracked out on coffee and had absolutely nothing to do.  I was in the vicinity of Polly’s and decided to head there, even though it was only 10am at this point and figured they weren’t open yet.  They weren’t, but they were there prepping for opening for the day and they let me in to just chill.

I hung out there until Gaston swung by and picked me up to watch 24 (I don’t really watch any TV show regularly, but he does, and 24 and American Idol are his picks).   Once it was over, we finally had sex for the first time in nearly two weeks – needless to say, it was very, um…brief.

By the way, I’m an insomniac and I normally take sleeping pills before bed at night in order to remain holding on to my sanity.  However, I didn’t feel like running up to my apartment to get them and figured I might be okay since I had been awake since 4:50am and had been drinking all day.  Boy was I wrong!  Of course, by the time I noticed this, it was too late.  And it doesn’t help that Gaston has to have the TV on in order to fall asleep, which keeps me alert and awake, of course.  This has happened before, but he specifically let me know last night before we went to bed that he didn’t feel like cuddling – to which I obliged.  So I was laying there, flipping from being too hot to too cold and back again, and feeling like a creeper just laying there staring at him…

Eventually (around 4:30am), I decided I’d just go upstairs and hop in my own bed.  I drifted in (barely) and out of sleep for about two hours when construction work started (yes, at 6:30am!) in the lot right outside my bedroom window.  By 8:30m, which is when I was originally intending on waking up, I had a monstrous migraine.

At this point, I was already contemplating skipping class.  BUT, I then decide to roll over and check my BlackBerry for e-mails.  Sure enough, the one message awaiting me is from the company I had a second interview with about two weeks ago, “[regretting] to inform [me] that [they] have decided not to extend an offer of employment at this time.”  It was confirmed:  class was out.

Two minutes later, I receive a call from Gaston, who is never up that early.  His Jeep has been in the shop, so he’s been driving his mom’s Cadillac…which wouldn’t start.  Normally, this may not have been that big of a deal, but he has to drive to the state capitol for a job interview on Thursday.  He needed me to jump him off.  Well, my jumper cables are really short and Gaston’s car was sandwiched between two others, one of which belongs to Napoleon (and the only car on that side of the Caddy).  So Gaston goes in, gets Napoleon’s keys, moves his car, and then I pull up to get everything set up.  The battery was completely dead.

Gaston insisted that he was going to go get the battery checked out right then and asked if he could borrow my car.  Letting him drive it with me in it is one thing, but I didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of just letting him take my car.  If anything were to happen, Beast and Martyr would have my head!  I have a terrible driving record (with outrageous insurance that they currently pay) and so does Gaston, and my parents are aware of it – he has shared with them the story of when he took a turn going 90 mph and collided with a house, knocking it off of its foundation!

Anyways, we get to Pep Boys and, even though it’s pretty much guaranteed that the battery is dead, Gaston has them check it just to be sure.  I had originally gone in with him, but the smell was going to cause me to either vomit, pass out, or both (migraine). So I waited in the car for about 15 minutes, when he comes out to tell me the test is going to take 45 minutes.  I was hungry, so we went down the street to Chick-Fil-A for some breakfast.

With only 20 minutes to go and almost immediately after we finished eating, we each receive a text from Napoleon asking if one of us had his keys.  Gaston goes, “We’ve got to take Napoleon his keys.  Hurry, because we need to be back at Pep Boys in 20 minutes!”  My first response being, “Does he actually need them right now?  Or does he just want to know where they are?”  This apparently didn’t matter, and we start driving back to the apartment.  Napoleon is gone when we get there – turns out he just needed to go to campus to get a transcript (which didn’t require having his keys).

Once we finally get back to Pep Boys, it is confirmed that the battery is dead.  But they don’t carry it, so we still had to find it somewhere else.  Ultimately, we happenstanced upon another car parts store down the street that, thankfully, carried the battery we needed.

The car still wouldn’t start after initially hooking it up.  So Gaston had to play mechanic for a little while.  Everything finally worked out and I was able to chill at noon.

What a day, huh?