Jots from the Day

(Originally written on May 18, 2009)

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During breakfast, I heard Samantha’s old ringback song – it’s the first time I’ve ever heard it besides when calling her.  It made me think of her and smile.

•     •     •     •     •

The security guard behind the front desk of the Bacchus administration building was wearing Gucci sunglasses…  For one thing, it’s weird that he was wearing sunglasses indoors.  And for the other – and I’m not sure if things are different in California, but I was unaware that Gucci anything was affordable on a security guard’s salary…

There was a peacock freely roaming the Bacchus campus and a HUGE blue parrot outside the entrance to the administration building (the parrot, unlike the peacock, was caged).  I was amazed:  the peacock would walk within three feet of people and never appeared skittish.  I wasn’t expecting it to be so friendly.  I suppose I also wasn’t expecting the Bacchus campus to be a menagerie…

Oh – and my interviews all went well today.

•     •     •     •     •

There really is NOTHING in this town.  For example, the population back home is 100,000 (including the 30,000 University students) and there are 120 bars downtown;  here, the population is 200,000 and there is a grand total of 15 bars in the entire city!…and we all know how important drinking and bar life are to me…

I’ve also noticed that there aren’t many people here in their early-mid twenties; it’s a bunch of families with younger kids.

Hopeless Uncertainty

(Originally written on April 13, 2009)

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With all of the stress from school, Gaston, and being a jobless Master’s student with no experience that will graduate in less than a month, I occasionally break down and have mini-freak-outs.  The last time was probably two weeks ago or so.  I called Martyr, crying, and she asked if I would like to receive a trip to visit Samantha, since I don’t exactly have the money to pay for it myself.  This was quite a comforting idea that brought the mini-freak-out to an end and got me excited about seeing Samantha for the first time in about a year.

I received a call from my darling Samantha this weekend only to find out that her nursing school in Maine starts May 11^th as opposed to starting in August (she had just found this out herself).  I graduate on May 9^th.  Definitely not enough time to see her once I graduate.  This was a disappointing bummer, especially when taking into account the following topic.

My most promising job lead right now is with a winery in northern California.  I love wine and I think I would really enjoy the job and the atmosphere.  However, I know ABSOLUTELY NO ONE out there.  My immediate family and Martyr’s family are all in the southeast and Beast’s family all live in Ohio.  I am really excited about the opportunity, but I am scared out of my mind of going so far away – that’s a difference of three time zones!

I would also probably move out there (this is all assuming I get a job offer, of course) and start working at the beginning of June.  My 23^rd birthday is on June 12^th, so I would immediately be spending my birthday somewhere I will only have lived one-and-a-half weeks and know no one.  Okay, I would have acquaintances from work by that point – but still!

In case you haven’t noticed, I overanalyze a lot and always think about how present decisions will affect my future.  This also causes me to (probably unnecessarily) worry a lot.

•     •     •     •     •

Yesterday (Easter), Gaston was supposed to have gone to the Master’s tournament after church with his grandmother (church with his grandmother, not the Master’s), but that ended up not being the case for whatever reason.  He got back in town around 5pm and called me when he pulled into the apartment parking lot, telling me that he “brought back a present for [me] from [south Georgia].”

Holy shit.  He openly avows (and always has) that he doesn’t do stuff like Valentine’s Day specialties/gifts/whatever or anniversary crap either.  No cards, candy, flowers, etc. – none of that romantic stuff.  For example, I bought him a rare hat for Christmas this year, receiving nothing in return.  I mean, he told me upfront about how he is, I guess I wasn’t sure if that applied to Christmas too.  Whatever.

So anyways, I came out of my apartment and down to his car (which was parked right outside of his apartment and where he was unloading his stuff).  He pulled out a small stem of three Azaleas and tucked it behind my ear, telling me,

All the women in my family wear Azaleas behind their ears on Easter – even my grandmother.  I love Azaleas; they’re my favorite flower.  My mom and sister brought these back from Augusta.

I practically melted.  That was so sweet and out of character for him.

Still won’t kiss me, though.

•     •     •     •     •

This morning, upon entering the classroom, I started feeling slightly sick.  I told Scarlet that if I suddenly ran out of class it would be because I was feeling funny.  Literally 30-45 seconds later, my nose starts bleeding.  FML.

True story.

Ha ha!  In case you aren’t familiar with that format, you need to check out the website www.fmylife.com.  I love indulging in its gloriousness!

Introspection

(Originally written on April 2, 2009)

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I honestly just don’t give a shit anymore.  I know that I should (especially since I’m still jobless), but my former sense of productivity has diminished, leaving me in this state of indifference.

And I realize that this is the beginning of a vicious cycle:  I currently have a 4.0 GPA in grad school.  I may be letting this very qualification – that may better help me to get a job – fly out the window just because I have not yet obtained one.

Yes, I agree with you, that justification is ridiculous.

I think I’ve just reached the ultimate state of senioritis.

How do I get out of this?  What can I do (at least for the one month that I have remaining of school) to pull myself out of this?  Is it just a delayed depression effect of the rape combined with my current situation?  I have never felt so careless before in my entire life.

Samantha insists that I meet all of the classic symptoms of clinical depression.  “Elliott, you are just focusing on all of the negatives.”  I hate to admit it, but perhaps I am.  BUT I have no idea what to do about it.  I’m already on a high dose of an antidepressant.

Right after Beast and Martyr started having problems, I started seeing a counselor, Angel.  He really helped me get through that whole situation; then, just a few months later, he helped me through the whole X thing.

Gradually, I weaned myself off of seeing him, especially once he started giving me reaffirmation by saying things like “You are doing much better than I would have expected,” or “You are really handling this well.”  Which, perhaps I was…at the time, but I stopped seeing him because of this “false/temporary” sense of confidence that I had.

Then I was raped.  That, as expected, threw a wrench into my whole situation.  So, I began seeing Angel once a week.  Given my delicate state, he gave me his e-mail address and cell phone number, which is HUGE for someone in his position to do.  He was really there for me and helped me come to a lot of realizations that I could not have arrived at on my own.

It really touched me that he was willing to take his time off the clock to help me.  I mean, he took the risk of giving his personal cell phone number to a patient!  By no means am I crazy, but I could have gone nuts with that.  But I never would.  I trust that he probably figured that about me way before making that decision.

Well, I actually went over my allotted insurance benefits last year – mainly because I really needed a lot of help with the whole combination of the Beast and Martyr, X, and rape situations.  So now I’m hesitant to start seeing him again because I can NOT afford to do that again.

HOWEVER, by the turn of the same coin, I don’t want to burden him by e-mailing him or calling him because he doesn’t get paid for that.  He really does a wonderful enough job that I would feel as though I would be taking advantage of him by doing that.

Tequila Revelations

(Originally written on March 29,2009)

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Friday, Gaston was supposed to have left to go home to south Georgia by 3pm; however, his Jeep was still sitting in our parking lot at 4:30m, tempting me.  I hadn’t heard from him all day and I was still upset about the whole jealousy comment, waiting to see if he would try to contact me for a change.  I know that those “tests” or “games” or whatever are stupid, but I sometimes wonder if we would ever even talk if I didn’t go out of my way to initiate contact all of the time…

I was battling with myself as to whether or not I should just go down there and get the whole “I accept that this isn’t going to work out” conversation over with.  I really value Samantha’s advice, but I don’t have enough self-control to just let it go.  I mean, he is my neighbor whose apartment I have to walk by every day and we hang out with the same crowd.  To just cut myself off from him would require me to completely change who I hang out with for the remaining two months I have here.

I called Scarlet for additional advice (he was aware of what happened the night before).

Gaston’s car is still here – he was supposed to have left already and I wish he would just go already!

His response was priceless:

Okay…

My nonsensical, emotional neurosis was definitely at hold of the reigns.  I then explained what I was trying to do and asked if he thought I should just go down there and get it out.  Scarlet’s reply was pleasantly surprising,

I think you should talk to him, but not until he gets back in town.  You should wait until you aren’t so upset and have thought clearly about what exactly you want.

The reason this was so surprising is because Scarlet likes Gaston and readily admits that he’s a nice guy and that he recognizes that I really enjoy the time I spend with him; but, for quite some time now, he has consistently reminded me that it’s not worth the stress that I put myself through.  I was expecting him to reaffirm what Samantha had told me to do.

I am a very impatient person, by the way.  I decided to just go and do it.  I opened up with the whole spiel about how it was just going to take me some time before I could trust him.  Then he said, “That’s what I meant.”  He doesn’t want to “just be the next guy” because I’m not over X.  Here we go again!  I, of course, went on the defensive and insisted that I definitely don’t love X anymore.  I was taken aback by how he explained himself:

You aren’t over X.  Maybe you aren’t in love with him, but you aren’t over what happened.  I don’t want to just be the next guy – like, I don’t want to be in a serious relationship with someone who isn’t over their previous one.  And I understand that it’s going to take time, it took me three-and-a-half years to get over [one of his exes].  I just don’t want to be punished for someone else’s sins.  I’m okay with what we have going on now and I really enjoy spending time with you.  I just can’t be in a serious relationship with you right now.

I was set at both peace and turbulence by this:  peace with what I have with Gaston, turbulence with the realization that I’m not over what happened with X.  Why can’t I just move on?  How do I go about making it happen?  How much longer will it be before I’m over it?

•     •     •     •     •

Later on Friday evening, Yuengling and I went to Polly’s to hang out.  It was rainy and gross outside, and we were both in that “I just want to have a chill, relaxing night” kind of mood.  I love Polly’s and want them to have successful business and everything, but I was really hoping that there wouldn’t be a lot of people there.  Thankfully, there wasn’t when we initially got there.  It picked up later, but it wasn’t packed out like it would normally be on a Friday night.

Anyways, I shared with him the conversation that I had with Gaston earlier in the afternoon.  Yuengling was a little shocked and asked, “Does Gaston actually want a relationship?”  Yuengling then asked me the same question that Samantha and Scarlet always come at me with:  “Is it really worth all the stress and frustration?”  Only, he added, “I mean, you guys are both going to be moving in a couple months,” to the end – which is true, but we’re actually looking for jobs in the same place (not to be with each other, just out of the convenience of being close to family).

For some reason, I really wanted a margarita Friday evening.  I love Mexican food and I am a regular at this restaurant in town that is owned by Teddy, a guy that is Ursula’s age and that we grew up going to school with.  Yuengling had never been there, so we decided that a night at Los Compadres was on the agenda for Saturday.

After drinking for several hours at Polly’s, I decided to call it a night.  I was tipsy, which was okay because Yuengling had driven anyways.  Once we got back to my apartment, we decided to stop in and invite Napoleon to our Mexican dinner.  Upon greeting us, Napoleon asked me if I was in a better mood than the previous evening, which I was, so I replied with a “yes”. He then says, “Yea, you were acting so stupid last night.  It was really immature, especially just because you were jealous.”

Sometimes Napoleon can be such an ass!  This comment was completely unnecessary.  I didn’t feel like getting into it with him, but I was fuming inside.  There have also been other times before when I’ve tried to ask for his advice or just talk to him about Gaston and he’s responded in a similar manner.  When I got into bed, I couldn’t sleep and after 20 minutes of tossing and turning, I decided to just get it out on paper.  Here is the note that my tipsy self wrote:

Napoleon,

You know that I love you as a friend, I truly do.  But I’ve just come to accept that you are not someone that I can talk to about Gaston.  It’s not like I think you will tell him or anything – if I was worried about that, I wouldn’t say anything in the first place – it’s just that it hurts me too much when you go off on how you “don’t care” or “don’t want to hear it.”  So, unless you want to hear me explain myself (which you’ve made very clear that you don’t), I would appreciate it if we just left that topic of conversation out of our friendship – because it’ll never do anything but frustrate either of us.

<3, Elliott

I’ve decided not to give it to him, at least not right now…

•     •     •     •     •

Last night it ended up being Yuengling, Napoleon, Scarlet, and me at Los Compadres.  It was pretty tame for the most part, but then Scarlet had one of his most crafty ideas ever:  tell Gaston that I’m pregnant as an April Fool’s joke.  All four of us roared in laughter and Napoleon was especially insistent upon seeing it through.

There is a girl in Scarlet’s and my degree program that is pregnant (I think she’s due in July).  So, as disgusting as this is, I’m going to buy a pregnancy test for her to pee on so that I can have “proof” for Gaston.

This is definitely going to come back and bite me in the ass, but for right now we’re running with it!

Punch Drunk Love

(Originally written on March 27, 2009)

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The same night that Gaston wanted to fight X, he was supposed to spend the night over at my place.  Well, when he got back both of us were drunk and upset about X and for some reason were having a sentimental conversation about the whole thing.  He was uncharacteristically emotional and dramatic and ended up saying that he could never be with me because, and I quote (even though I was drunk, I remember this quite clearly because it was so unlike him), “I saw you looking at him.  You just don’t look at me the way you look at X.  You still love him.”

Let me get a few things straight:

1. If I look at X with any particular emotions, they are disgust, pain, and betrayal, NOT love.
2. X is always going to hold a special place in my heart.  He was my first real boyfriend; we each lost our virginity to each other, and we were together for five years.
3. I haven’t really spoken to him since we broke up and I essentially don’t even know who he is anymore.  And I don’t care…so I definitely don’t still love him.

Anyways, the next day he had no recollection of this statement, so I just dismissed it as drunken banter.

Well, it came up in conversation over lunch yesterday – I believe I was just poking fun at him for being so emotional.  Gaston then told me, “I remember when I said that.  I know what I meant, but it came out wrong.”  Naturally, I asked what it was.  And he won’t tell me because “It is just something that doesn’t need to be said.”  He said that it was a “fact based on perception” about something that I do in terms of X.  That drives me crazy!  For one thing, if it’s based on perception, it’s not a fact.  Secondly, how am I supposed to do anything about it if I don’t know what it is?

So that was left unaddressed and he went to his interview.  Turns out that he did so well that they offered him a second interview on the spot.  So…we went to Polly’s to start drinking at like 6pm once he got back in town (“we” being Gaston, Napoleon, and me).  The plan was celebrating and then I finally would get to have decent sex when we got home.  However, as soon as we walk into the bar, there sits Slutty McSlutterson, a girl who he hooked up with once a while back and who he always focuses 100% of his attention on whenever she’s around.  Another one of our friends, Yuengling, was there with her (he was the very first person to complete the Around the World 100 Beer Club).

So we start off with Yuengling buying the four of us a round of shots (Napoleon is off the sauce for Lent), to which we toasted finding a job.  Shooter and Voodoo, the bartenders, both claimed that toast was lame, so we decided to do another shot.  No one was coming up with anything, so I jumped in with:  “To great sex, crazy stories, and good friends!”  Then, right before we all start drinking, Gaston goes, “Well I’m definitely not getting any of those.”

Seriously?  It’s been driving me nuts that we haven’t had sex and I’ve been trying to get him to do it all week!  So I texted him asking if he really felt that way, to which he replied, “Not lately.”  Then I texted him “Well you seemed pretty pleased on Monday.  Other than that, the only reason we haven’t had sex is because you keep standing me up!”  No reply on that one.

Anyways, Slutty McSlutterson ended up leaving at some point, planning to come back out.  After she was gone, Gaston was ready to stop ignoring me and I brought up how it bothered me and said something along the lines of him preferring to be with her. Besides claiming that she didn’t know anyone else there (even though she was there with Yuengling when we came in…), he started going off on me for being a jealous person and not trusting him.

He told me that’s why we aren’t in a relationship.

I know it’s not fair for me to punish him for what Beast and X have done, but he should understand that trust is something that takes time.  I can’t believe that he seriously won’t date me just because it bothers me when he flirts with other girls…

This really upset me and I decided to walk home because I was about to burst into tears, and I did as soon as I stepped out the door.  Yuengling came running out after me to make sure that I was okay and offered me a ride.  It was really nice that he did that.  But I decided that I wanted to walk it off and he made me promise to text him when I got home.

I was finally able to talk to Samantha for the first time in what feels like forever.  I called her crying about the whole situation when I got into bed (it was at like 8:30pm).  Even though I didn’t want to hear it, she told me exactly what to do:  move on.  I just really like him and I’ve put so much into it.  I know that I could probably do better, but I don’t care, there’s just something about him.  I don’t know what it is, but it’s keeping me here.

Well, I’m about to go shower and whatnot – Yuengling and I are going to Polly’s for a chill night, where we’ll probably discuss all of what is contained in this post.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

Introductions

(Originally written on March 15, 2009)

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The next two weeks are absolutely nuts for me.  Let me start by telling you that spring break was last week and I got practically nothing done in terms of prepping for these two hellish weeks ahead.  BUT, I did have a second interview, so that was at least productive.  So I’m impatiently awaiting for Wednesday to roll around to hear back as to whether or not I got an offer, I have a half-midterm on Wednesday, two different half-midterms on Monday, a midterm on Tuesday, a half-midterm on Wednesday, and a presentation on Thursday.  phew!

Furthering my procrastination with each character typed to this post…I am going to take the opportunity to briefly introduce you to a few of the most prominent people in my life (in no particular order) before delving into stories about them:

Scarlet – my gay BFF.  Actually, my BFF regardless of being gay.  He is a lot like me, but his bluntness is a bit more, well… exaggerated.  He is always there for me in times of need, especially when it comes to telling me what I don’t want to hear.

Samantha – my former roommate who lives in Vermont, the only roommate I still talk to.  She is lively, caring, and just as much of a sexual person as I am.  She understands all of my relationship problems (beyond just the sex mentioned above, by the way) because she has been there, done that.

Chip and Dale – my identical twin baby brothers.  They are two of the coolest guys ever.  They just won their battle of the bands last week, Chip plays guitar and Dale plays bass.  Even though they’re identical, don’t let that fool ya – they are different in a lot of ways!

Ursula – my younger sister.  She is absolutely gorgeous, and wins beauty pageants and stuff.  BUT, our relationship is on and off because she can be one of the most selfish, disrespectful people I know.

Beast – my dad.  This name comes from Beauty and the Beast.  The reasons for dislike being summed up as briefly as possible below:

He got cancer; my mom literally saved his life; he went into remission; he had at least one affair; my mom caught him in the act; he admitted it; he denied it; he finally regained her trust; he got caught doing it again; then he moved out.

However, he’s my dad and I do love him and enjoy his company, despite the hell he’s put my mom through.

Martyr – my mom.  She always views the above situation as “her failure to the family”.  She’s always been a religious person, but after the whole ordeal explained above, she became crazy spiritual.  She now regularly tries to convince me to believe in God, which is incredibly annoying.

X – my ex-boyfriend.  He won’t come up too often, but I do occasionally revisit the situation and vent.

Gaston – my “not-boyfriend” neighbor.  He’s a manly man from south Georgia.  I really enjoy his company and want a relationship with him, but he claims that he’s “not mature enough” right now.  Whatever.  That stupid title (even though I want it) isn’t going to prevent me from throwing away what we have.  *I’ll share this story soon.

Napoleon – Gaston’s roommate (also my neighbor).  He is pretty closed-minded and can be a real ass at times, but is a good friend that will help you out when in need.

Well that’s nowhere near everyone, but that’ll do for now.